A Special Press Conference

Announcer Guy - We break from our regularly scheduled programming here at ESPN to bring you this special press conference from somewhere on the UpperEast Side of Manhattan in New York City, where our very own SS is standing by…S, what can you tell us?

SS – Hi everyone, I’m standing here on the Upper East Side right outside the apartment of marathon runner, The Running Laminator, who’s called this press conference to make a special announcement. We go live to the podium…

L – Thank you all for coming out. I see only ESPN has sent a crew to cover this momentus occasion, but that’s alright. You’re the only ones who matter anyway. I would like to take this opportunity to nominate myself for the ESPY in the category of “Comeback Player of the Year.” You will hear more from me in the upcoming months as I prepare to run the New York City Marathon. Thank you very much. (SS raises hand) Questions from the audience?

SS – Yes, Mr. Laminator, you do realize we already have some outstanding candidates vying for the award, like Rick Ankiel, who last we saw as a pitcher couldn’t hit the ocean with his fastball if he was standing next to it but is now somehow reinvented himself as a outfielder and hitting home runs to lead the Cardinals in a miraculous late season push for the playoffs and Alex Rodriguez, who’s leading the world in homers a year after he was almost booed off the team in the Bronx, just to name a couple. What makes you think you’re deserving of the award?

L – Well, after setting a personal best at the Fairfield Half Marathon two months ago with a time of 1:31:56, placing me in the top 6% of all runners in the event, I was considered by the running community to be heavily favored to break the 3:10 hurdle at the NYC Marathon and qualify for the Boston Marathon. But because of some health concerns and personal issues, I was not able to finish any of the last two 16 mile training runs, and my goal to run in the marathon at all was being seriously jeopardized. Some of my running colleagues even suggested I skip it altogether because I was falling so far behind on my training schedule. But I’m here to announce to the world that I’m back. I just ran 16 miles around Central Park in good time with no pain. I could’ve even ran it a bit faster, but didn’t want to make all the other park runners jealous, so I took it easy and enjoyed the scenery. But at any rate, just wanted to tell all the viewers to hop back on the bandwagon, ‘cause NYC in November is looking mighty fine again. That’s why I think I deserve the award.

SS – I see. And to what do you attribute your new found success?

L – First, I want to thank my feet for being so great…and then I want to thank my running mates for helping me through the tough miles.

SS – And by running mates, you mean Renny and Marc?

L – Yeah, them too. But I’m really talking about my New Balance 857s. It’s the shoes, man. You know what I’m saying. It’s gotta be the shoes. A runner’s nothing without his shoes.

SS – Well there you have it. Live from the Upper East Side, where The Running Laminator’s just thrown his own name into the hat for “Comeback Player of the Year.” I don’t think that’s ever been done before in the entire history of the award. But if he does what he promises and runs the New York City Marathon in record time, we just might have to ask the selection committee to make an exception. Back to you in the studio.